Everyday Holy

I have been feeling so grieved in my heart lately, missing true fellowship and community in the Church.

Hopefully me saying that doesn't make anyone feel bad. I so appreciate and value all the friendships we have, they are each special and a blessing in their own ways.

We had this season in our lives when we were part of a ministry, the birthing of a ministry at that. We spent so much time with an amazing couple and their children, they became family and will always be dear friends close to our hearts. The experiences we shared, the amount of time spent together --- talking, sharing meals, just doing life together as well as having amazing times of worship and prayer in each other's living rooms. It was all this incredibly natural flow of lives synched, hearts intertwined, all for the Glory of One King.

That season of our lives came to an end, although still like family in our hearts and forever friends, we have moved on to different things, and they have even moved across the country...land and sea have become barriers that physically separate us.

It is funny how I look back and reflect and even as I wrote, "we were part of a ministry, birthing a ministry...," I was referring to the actual ministry organization. But now that I have some retrospection going on, I realize the actual ministry was in our relationship, the daily communion, the living room prayers and worship, the midweek phone calls, the late night couch venting, the laughter over meals, the friendships made, the constant encouragement and support...you get the idea.

Two years, well almost two years, is what has passed since my family and I have experienced that type of living Church. And part of that time has really been needed. We needed a season of rest from a lot of busy, doing, going. Now I am so overwhelmed with the need of being part of the functioning Body of Christ again. I have even found myself weeping at night, literally grieving from missing that interaction, that communion.

I recently was having a conversation about being less than satisfied, let's say, with typical group meetings during the week. The formats, layouts, provided videos and questions...it all sort of irritated me. Obviously there is a time and place for that type of stuff, I get it. So in this conversation I was basically asking, "Is it too idealistic of me to think meeting with other people can just be free and develop into whatever it develops into, lead into it's own natural, organic, thing?" For example, when we met with our old friends, we did have an agenda: to seek God, worship Him, pray for our region, and listen to His voice and of course talk, spend time together, enjoy one another. Many times we would just gather and talk about our week or day and we would find something in common, some shared thread that we felt God was weaving and that would turn into deeper conversation, bible pages flipping, prayer starting, and erupting worship. There were also plenty of imperfections and hard moments to push through, but that's life. We're human. It always led to grace, learning and growth. That doesn't sound idealistic to me, that sounds like everyday holy. It sounds like Church. Like what should be.

Ok, so I am not all hung up on what once was over here. I am just reflecting and learning STILL from those experiences I had. I am excited to have them again and in even greater ways. For whoever those experiences will be shared with, and for whomever will be touched by them, I look forward to it all.

And for what it's worth, I think it is time to break out of the cage of old mindsets of how to do church and truly find freedom to be the Church. So we can live everyday holy together.

Be Still & Know Him.

The more time passes as I walk out this journey of life, the more I appreciate the simple yet beautiful truth, "Be still and know." There is just so much peace in that.

There are times when I go back to read old writings in my journal and I actually stress myself out. Why am I always trying to analyze my life and figure out everything? All the stress from confusion and striving and striving. I feel the heavy weight of the burdens just thinking about it. I'm at the point where I really just don't want to care about any of it anymore and just lay it all down. I don't even want to think or try to do anything. Just want the quiet embracing of being still and knowing.

It can be a frustrating place to be. When we just want to be free but this world loves to put chains around us, sometimes the people in our lives do that too. And sometimes we bind ourselves up by our own thoughts and false self-accusations and the whole, "I'm not good enough" or "not doing enough" thing.

You know what some of the best moments are? When I SHUSH my brain and am fully present in a moment and soaking it in for every granule of glory that it is worth. When I capture a scene, an object or person and it becomes a frame in my mind and heart, a snapshot of a beautiful moment and gift, giving joy to cherish. Even better when we can share these moments with people we love.

And the doing, well I just don't care about what I'm doing if the being isn't ok. Who/how I am being, in all moments, is more concerning to me than with what I am doing or trying to accomplish. The doing will happen naturally, as a bearing of fruit, when we are truly being, and always being in Him. See, when we are able to just be, it is because of what, and more importantly, Who we know.

And right now, that is kinda my cry out to God. I am really seeking Him...to really know Him and His heart, and to know who am I in Him? I could make a typical list of things that most Christians would define themselves as but I guess I am going for something deeper, something woven uniquely into me, that unravels in the heart of my Father. There is just something in me that is hungry and desperate to be awakened into a deeper understanding of my identity in Christ. And it isn't going to happen by me doing anything other than SURRENDERING. Surrendering completely to the being still and to the knowing of Him.

21 days...

I recently decided to take a 21-day break from major forms of social media including facebook, instagram, twitter and pinterest. It has been something that I have been rolling around in my brain for a little bit. After seeing a couple of other people mention doing the same thing, it was a swift kick in the rear end to get on board. And of course hearing my 5-yr old daughter say, "Mommy, you always have your phone with you!" a few nights ago made it pretty clear that this is something I should be doing.

During these 21 days I am hoping to write more and get more into sharing via my blog and possibly do a little revamp of it's name???!! We shall see...

I don't want to put too much pressure or stress on myself to accomplish daily writing, just going to play it by ear because well, the whole point of this is to be disconnected from distractions and outside noise and pressures and what is going on in feeds and posts and notifications and everyone else's life. I want to be more connected and in tune with God and what is going on in my own life, in my relationships with my family, and just be present in the moments before me. It has already been difficult in those moments when I am used to grabbing my phone and scrolling through pictures and status updates and comments. I've had many thoughts like, "Aww wow that would be a cute picture to post on instagram..." or "Gonna have to post that on FB later..." --- obviously there is way too much revolving around social media going on in my brain! I want to just enjoy these daily moments and experiences and soak them in. It doesn't make them less valuable, less cherished or less important because they aren't viewed on whoever's facebook, twitter or instagram feed I happen to be in.

I'm also hoping to get more in tune with the Holy Spirit in my life. At the moment this life of mine is very consumed with stay-at-home mommy duties but I also want to get in touch with what makes me passionate, what I have to share with and offer this magnificent world and the people in it. I definitely am in a growing and stretching season. It has been challenging and often times I hear myself thinking "Ahhh I just feel so stuck or caged up and I just want to be free!!!" Sounds crazy I know, but I am praying for some breakthrough and freedom in areas of my life that, honestly, I don't even understand myself yet. I have been consumed by being in touch with everyone and it has been wonderful! I love seeing other people's posts and pics and what is going on in everyone's life and their view of the world. It is a gift to be connected to each other in such a way and to be able to "meet" & "share" with many who I never would have come across otherwise. I learn so much from everyone and gain new perspectives.

But, now it is time to just shut it all off and tune in to God and be in touch with this life He gave me. Hoping to have lots of things to write about once these 21 days are over! Excited for what is to come...

When a vacation isn't enough...

I recently wrote in a Facebook status update that I was tempted to say “I need a vacation” but didn’t want to feel like I need a vacation from my life. I really just want to feel refreshed and be able to walk in that refreshment on a daily basis. And maybe it would help to figure out some kind of daily routine that is refreshing and relaxing. I know it is ok to go on vacation and enjoy going on vacation, but I desperately want to be able to have that sustained joy in my life, to be able to find that place of peace and rest even in the midst of chaos or hectic days, whatever it is that makes our days crazy sometimes.

Maybe it just comes with a lot of responsibility, more kids, or maybe just feeling like you have a bunch of people depending on you and a ton things to keep up with...I dunno. That feeling of being pulled in a million directions and like ahhh I just want to collapse and land in a cushiony pillow with billowing clouds and the smell of sweet fresh air. I know that sounds a lot like a vacation but in my context, I want it to be more of a mental and spiritual state.

It is easy to say that your dependency is completely on the Lord and that He alone sustains your soul, your peace, your joy... But when you've got a whole lot of seemingly stressful days lined up, it is really hard to not want everyone else around you to get you, know when you’re burnt out (a.k.a. ready to FREAK/have a mental breakdown) and give you what you think you need to satisfy your weary heart.

I guess I am just at that place where I’m realizing more and more the reality of not counting on anyone for my joy or happiness or peace. And I'm not saying the Lord hasn't blessed me with a beautiful family that brings me joy and happiness because they do, every single day. And I really am not trying to complain about life at all because I am so so so blessed and grateful. I've got an amazing home, a beautiful family in good health, food to put on the table, and more...believe me, I do not take that for granted. And maybe more than half of this is a "first-world-problem" but in the thick of it all, sometimes it is just hard to grab hold of that tangible joy and peace. I can slave away to please and serve my family, but ultimately it is about serving God first. If I am a servant to God, that service will spill over into service of others out of sheer love that comes from Him. He alone is the one who I should aim to please because if I am pleasing to Him, then that is all that matters. If I am pleasing to Him, then in many a sense, I can be sure that what I am doing could be pretty pleasing to others around me. If I am enough to Him, then I am enough.

A vacation is a nice temporary relief from busy lives. It is easy to go on a vacation and relish in that relaxation and freedom for however long it lasts. But the thing I like least about vacations is that feeling you get on the last day, knowing you’re about to head back to all the craziness and that it is all just going to be the same old, same old, again and again. Until your next vacation. And I love a good vacation and relaxation destination as much as the next girl, I really do. There is almost nothing that beats lying around in the glorious sunshine and not doing anything except taking in God’s beautiful creation, maybe with a good book in hand, especially when you’re particularly stressed. But at this moment, what I really want is to have a mental and spiritual place of refreshment, and not one from envisioning palm trees, water crashing on a sunny beach and sipping fruity beverages, as relaxing as that all sounds.

And earlier when I said that being pleasing to God “is all that matters,” I didn’t mean that we should not want to be pleasing to our spouses/children/others. I just know that no matter how hard we strive, if we are constantly trying to please other people, and measure our “worthiness” from how well we please them and how they react to us, we will just be let down. It is way too hard to live up to expectations, most of which we imagine or get wrong half the time. Yet there is an incredible place of peace and trust in our relationship with the Lord when we really truly believe and act on His word so perfectly written in Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message):

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.”

And as nice, wonderful and encouraging as that scripture is, I know there is a practical side to this. It is really important to openly and clearly communicate between spouses/loved ones to be on the same page and to help understand and meet whatever needs are present. I’ve also recently started a gratitude journal to write down every single little thing I am thankful for on an almost daily basis. It really helps me to put my days into perspective,to see all the special little simple joys of life and to note all the blessings God has filled my life with. Annnnd I have yet to do this, but having a weekly bubble bath or scheduling a monthly manicure/pedicure or massage sound really nice and are simple ways to pamper yourself and get some relaxation time. I am super grateful for all these amazing ways to be refreshed and relaxed. On a deeper level, just as we make time for all these marvelous luxuries we have, we need to make time for our God and develop our intimacy with Him.

I am sort of just in the midst of this place now. It is really a battle and isn’t easy, especially on a mental and emotional level. Well it is easier when I leave my mental and emotional sides out of it haha! But I know God sees and knows it all and He understand my heart. I so want to get there. I want everyday to be a "vacation" with God in the life that He has blessed me with.

Thoughts? Advice? Wise words? I'd love to hear what you have to share! :)

Little Children

I am the kind of mom who generally will bring my kids any where with me. And just for the record, my son is 1 and my daugther is 4. Do I always like to go out and about with them both, without my husband? No. But if I really want to do something or get things done...it's packing up the kids, snacks, and whatever toys or activities that might help keep them occupied. Welcome to Mommy-hood! And its not like I have 5...as of now there is just 2, soon to be 3!

When it comes to church/ministry events I am kind of reluctant about bringing the 2 of them without an extra set of hands if there is no child care provided. But, if there is something I really want to go to, it seems silly to allow my own children to deter me.

So I was recently at a ministry event. My husband was working, but I really wanted to go. I pretty much knew that there would be no child care provided but I was willing to take my chances and bring lots of snacks, drinks, and quiet toys/activities for the kids to occupy themselves with.

The night began with worship, which is always great for the kids anyways. They love the music and throughout most of it my daughter sat quietly coloring and singing while my son lay half asleep on my shoulder. Of course as soon as the music stops my son was alert and ready to party. But overall, knowing my own children and how crazy they can be, I would definitely say they were behaving quite well for most of the night. Was there some movement in the pew as the kids traveled from me to my sister and back again? Or climbing off the seat onto the floor and back onto the seat? Yes. Was there some whining over who wanted what toy or what snack in the diaper bag? Yes. Did I have to balance my attention between the minister and the kids in order to keep them in order? Obviously, it's called parenting. Was it overwhelmingly stressful and out of control? No. Were my kids throwing tantrums and screaming and throwing food and toys all over the place? No.

We're talking about typical children here. And I was really impressed with them. I could obviously see that my son was getting more whiny and tired at around 8pm. So what did I do as any mom may have decided to do? I started packing up my things and getting the kids' jackets on so we could ready to go. This is when thngs got a tad interesting, and not because of my 1 & 4 year-old little people. As I was zippering up my son's jacket I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn my head to find a man leaning over into my pew saying, "You know, if the baby is going to be so distracting to everyone, you should really take him out of here!"

Ok. Jackets are on. Things are packed up. We're obviously leaving. I was sort of in shock so I just politely responded, "Yea, we're leaving now." A kind friend sitting near me offered to help me out with my bags and as soon as I got into the parking lot I just started crying uncontrollably! I know that might sound silly but honestly, something about the fact that the guy had to lean over and say that to me just made me sooo mad...and I felt hurt, like I just took a knife to the heart for my kids. It was just a crazy experience. I basically cried on the phone to my husband the whole drive home.

I've had some time to reflect on this experience and I will say that on my part, I could have sat closer to the back of the room away from a large bulk of people for a few reasons. The kids would have had more freedom, would have been less likely to be a distraction, and I would have easier access to leave if needed. But that does not take away from the fact AT ALL that I believe that man was ENTIRELY WRONG to have said what he said to me.

In fact, I think it is entirely the wrong mentality to think that children should not be accepted and encouraged to attend ministry events, and have the freedom to eventually learn how to participate. I could see if my kids were being blatantly terrible and behaving horribly, then obviously they should be escorted out of the room to respect others. I get that. My kids were being normal kids. If we as Christians, people, whatever, get so worked up over a child making a few noises that disrupt 100% ability to concentrate and the oh so perfect silence in the room, then we have a serious problem. And if we're honest...it isn't the kids that most often distract us. My guess is that our brains are drifting from the message to what you need to do tomorrow to what you shouldn't forget on the grocery list or what time the game is going to be on later. Stepping on any toes yet? Hope not! When we roll our eyes or scoff at parents trying to get their kids to sit quietly, not only are we then causing children to be hindered from ministry and learning how to participate in ministry, but we are hindering their parents from partaking as well.

I just keep thinking about what Jesus said in Matthew 19:13-15, Then little children were brought to Jesus, that He might put His hands on them and pray; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. But He said, Leave the children alone! Allow the little ones to come to Me, and do not forbid or restrain or hinder them, for of such [as these] is the kingdom of heaven composed. And He put His hands upon them, and then went on His way.

Or what about Matthew 18:1-5, At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, "Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven? Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, and said, "Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me."

Jesus could not have been more clear in these scriptures! Not only is he saying that we should not hinder children from being in his presence, but he is telling US that we should be more like little children in our humility, faith, joy, pureness of heart...I mean the list could go on. Children are a special blessing and I am covinced that if we would be willing to pay closer to attention, we'd learn vast and endless amounts of goodness from them. I know that I learn from my 2 little kiddos everyday.

I didn't mean for this to be a rant...a really long rant. I just wanted to get my experience and thoughts out there. We cannot be so selfishly caught up in ourselves and what we expect to get out of ministry or how we want it to go that we totally forget about the kids. Child care isn't always going to be provided. And I for one, would rather my kid sit in the ministry time and learn (frome me!!!) as opposed to learning that going to church is their opportunity to play with toys and watch movies. And I don't think this is only up to parents. We all need to be more accepting and understanding. It is my hope and prayer that the Church...the body of Christ...will grab ahold of those scriptures and the reality of the importance of including children in all kinds of ministry.

twenty-eleven.

Hard to believe that in close to 4 months it would have been a whole year since I've posted anything in this thing! Crazy. I know.

Even crazier, how much of a transition this year has been for me. I went from crazy-busy, full-time, almost graduated 8 months pregnant student to being a stay-at-home-mom to two kiddos. Not complaining. I love it. Well I thought I'd love it and this year would be the most amazing year of my life and everything would fall perfectly into place and it would all make sense and la-di-daaah!!! Do I love being home with my kids? Yes. Is it this perfect little fluffy world where everything flows amazingly well and life just makes sense. Not so much.

So...why am I writing now? Not sure. Ha! My kids are sleeping, and its after 1:00 AM and I can't sleep. ;)

If there is one thing that the Lord is teaching me in this year, it is to cling to the truth of His Gospel and His grace, so that I can give my kids the same beautiful message as they grow into their wonderful little selves.

Sometimes we just want everything to make sense...all the peices to fall exactly into place...cookie cutter perfection. Then we realize that we are not in control and not everything we touch is going to turn to gold. It's in those times that we remember that only He can truly be in control of the beautiful mess that is life.

I'm just kind of tired of routines, rules, regulations. In twenty-eleven I've spent so much time trying to figure things out. I haven't figured much of anything except that I need Jesus. And I want more of Him.

Maybe not all of you are stay-at-home moms, but maybe you could relate to some degree? We all go through transitions in life, sometimes feeling as though we're losing our footing. But I know this for sure, there is always a Helper there to catch us and take us by the hand. I guess we've just got to be willing to let go of ourselves in order to reach out grab hold.

You, Me & Jesus.

Have you ever said or heard someone else say, "It's not about me. It's all about Jesus"???? That is a pretty common thing for Christians to think and say.

As much as this is true, because it is all about HIM, I have been challenged by something lately. I feel like the Lord has been reminding me that although we say that it isn't about us and all about Him, we cannot forget that we have a very important part to play.

So what is so important about us? We must allow ourselves to be in a place to receive from the Lord so we can understand fully who He is as we become storehouses of Jesus and walk in the fullness of Christ according to His calling for our lives. It is in this place that we can truly understand who we are in Him, as well as minister to the lives of others. This builds a lot off of what I wrote in a previous blog, Eyes on Him.

John 15:3-5 (NKJV) says, "You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing."

My bible says that the word abide means to dwell, stay, settle in, or sink deeper. When we abide in Him and receive into our lives what comes from Him, we are then in the place to freely give to others as the fruit begins to flow naturally from within us.

So, although it is true that "it's not about us," it is more about Christ in us. Because, I need to be Christ in me, and you need to be Christ in you.

I am currently reading Compelled by Love: How to change the world through the simple power of love in action by Heidi Baker. The whole book is amazing but I love what she writes in this passage as it kind of sums up this whole blog, "He is looking for servants who are so hungry that they desire Him more than their very life...we must all be pliable in the Master's hands. For he wants to turn you upside down in order to turn this world upside down. God is saying, 'Lay down more. Lay down.' So there is only one direction in ministry: lower still."

I hope this encourages you to seek Him for your life and who He has called you to be so you can go out and light up the world with His love!